Monday, June 20, 2011

Who Do You Think You're Fooling, Tums?

I might need to just start a separate category of entries for advertisements that make me uncomfortable/sort of angry for reasons i can't really put into words yet BECAUSE...


Just what the FUCK is going on here??  I just saw this commercial for the first time about ten minutes ago whilst starting my day watching some documentary about the childhood of Jesus Christ and cases to support Mary's virginity, which both appear in stark contrast (to say the least) to this commercial, wherein a man at a carnival is, in essence, getting cock-smacked by his corn dog.

Now, I get it.  I get the message that Tums is [not] trying [very hard] to portray here:  sometimes your food fights back.  I get it because..well, they say it.  But everything from the mustard being spread all over the man's face to the overall animatronic wiggles of this wiener and the fact that it is a bit more bulbous toward the top/head (and I know it's a corndog and when one dips a hot dog into batter, excess batter may accumulate toward the far end of one's dog.  Maybe.  Is that how it works?  I'm just trying to be fair to the Carnie's Advocate), I don't know, just for some reason screams BLOW-J to me.  Is that odd?

And I in no way, by the way, am reacting to this commercial in shock and horror over the fact that it may, possibly be targeting a gay demographic.  I love the gays.  I like penises, when I am prepared for them.  I just think this is not so tactful a way to get them to buy Tums, if that is what Tums is going for here.  Sigh.  What are they going for here?

Here were my first 3 thoughts:
1.  Did I really just see that?  Thank God for DVR, back it up!
2.  Yep, I just saw that.  Why do I feel like it should not be on television at 11:15 AM while I'm eating my greek yogurt?
3.  After five seconds of those shenanigans, any woman will tell you you need to get a grip on that thing.  He's just enjoying it now.

Still, it makes me wonder--what if it catches on?  What if some horrible women will be gossiping over desserts (that's what women do, right [I'm rereading To Kill A Mockingbird, and this is, in fact, what women do]?  Or salads.  Women sure do LOVE salads, am I right?  But that's another post) and what if the conversation goes like this:

Horrible woman #1:  I heard Sarah and Nathan called it quits on their engagement?
Horrible, slightly older and cattier woman #2:  Oh, yes, quite a shame.  Word around town is Nathan got...indigestion.
#1:  Oh, rrrreally?
#2:  Yes, turns out what he REALLY wanted was some Tums...of the.....fruity variety.
#1:  *scandalized gasp!*
#2:  Well, you know what they say!...  [I don't know what she would say that They say, but then they laugh a lot and END SCENE].

Problematic, eh?

All my suspicions are validated when toward the end of the ad, the woman he is with COVERS THE EYES OF HER STUFFED ANIMAL at the sight of such debauchery at the wholesome fairgrounds.  Why, oh, God, Whyyyyy??

But, really, why?  You could have done a way better commercial.  Or sprung (pun acknowledged, though not intended) for a corndog robot that had little arms with little boxing gloves on them.  No?  And you know everyone working on this commercial knew what they were really filming:  c-smacks.  Take after take...after take...okay, well, I guess I could see how that could be amusing.

To sum up:  Ew.  And also, ugh.  And a little bit of anger.  And a sprinkling of por que?

PS. In another commercial I saw during an appropriate hour for the product it is advertising, I learned that Enzyte has a new energy drink that will be sent to you free upon your order.  The name?  Erupt.  In the comments below, feel free to discuss whether or not this could be a bottle of ejaculate.