Thursday, September 17, 2015

Back From The Dead With Horrid Ideas

Yesterday, while cleaning and organizing polishes at work, I came across a shade from OPI's Germany collection that I've always thought has the rapiest name: Nein! Nein! Nein! Ok Fine! 

OPI is known for their quippy puns in polish names, and my brain is known for immediately going to dark, dark places. My friend, Erin, and I started brainstorming polish names for our own new made up brand, PTSD. Some ideas follow (warning--it gets pretty dark. If you're afraid of satire and women being funny to deal with true awfulness, or if you don't have a sense of humor, you might not like it. Just saying):

Don't get me wrong, about 50% of my choosing a polish is based on the shade name and OPI usually hits the sassy-cute pun mark right on the head. I just have a hard time thinking that no one in Creative thought this about Nein!... before they started rolling out the stickers. 

Monday, June 20, 2011

Who Do You Think You're Fooling, Tums?

I might need to just start a separate category of entries for advertisements that make me uncomfortable/sort of angry for reasons i can't really put into words yet BECAUSE...

Just what the FUCK is going on here??  I just saw this commercial for the first time about ten minutes ago whilst starting my day watching some documentary about the childhood of Jesus Christ and cases to support Mary's virginity, which both appear in stark contrast (to say the least) to this commercial, wherein a man at a carnival is, in essence, getting cock-smacked by his corn dog.

Now, I get it.  I get the message that Tums is [not] trying [very hard] to portray here:  sometimes your food fights back.  I get it because..well, they say it.  But everything from the mustard being spread all over the man's face to the overall animatronic wiggles of this wiener and the fact that it is a bit more bulbous toward the top/head (and I know it's a corndog and when one dips a hot dog into batter, excess batter may accumulate toward the far end of one's dog.  Maybe.  Is that how it works?  I'm just trying to be fair to the Carnie's Advocate), I don't know, just for some reason screams BLOW-J to me.  Is that odd?

And I in no way, by the way, am reacting to this commercial in shock and horror over the fact that it may, possibly be targeting a gay demographic.  I love the gays.  I like penises, when I am prepared for them.  I just think this is not so tactful a way to get them to buy Tums, if that is what Tums is going for here.  Sigh.  What are they going for here?

Here were my first 3 thoughts:
1.  Did I really just see that?  Thank God for DVR, back it up!
2.  Yep, I just saw that.  Why do I feel like it should not be on television at 11:15 AM while I'm eating my greek yogurt?
3.  After five seconds of those shenanigans, any woman will tell you you need to get a grip on that thing.  He's just enjoying it now.

Still, it makes me wonder--what if it catches on?  What if some horrible women will be gossiping over desserts (that's what women do, right [I'm rereading To Kill A Mockingbird, and this is, in fact, what women do]?  Or salads.  Women sure do LOVE salads, am I right?  But that's another post) and what if the conversation goes like this:

Horrible woman #1:  I heard Sarah and Nathan called it quits on their engagement?
Horrible, slightly older and cattier woman #2:  Oh, yes, quite a shame.  Word around town is Nathan got...indigestion.
#1:  Oh, rrrreally?
#2:  Yes, turns out what he REALLY wanted was some Tums...of the.....fruity variety.
#1:  *scandalized gasp!*
#2:  Well, you know what they say!...  [I don't know what she would say that They say, but then they laugh a lot and END SCENE].

Problematic, eh?

All my suspicions are validated when toward the end of the ad, the woman he is with COVERS THE EYES OF HER STUFFED ANIMAL at the sight of such debauchery at the wholesome fairgrounds.  Why, oh, God, Whyyyyy??

But, really, why?  You could have done a way better commercial.  Or sprung (pun acknowledged, though not intended) for a corndog robot that had little arms with little boxing gloves on them.  No?  And you know everyone working on this commercial knew what they were really filming:  c-smacks.  Take after take...after take...okay, well, I guess I could see how that could be amusing.

To sum up:  Ew.  And also, ugh.  And a little bit of anger.  And a sprinkling of por que?

PS. In another commercial I saw during an appropriate hour for the product it is advertising, I learned that Enzyte has a new energy drink that will be sent to you free upon your order.  The name?  Erupt.  In the comments below, feel free to discuss whether or not this could be a bottle of ejaculate.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

invaluable albums--no doubt's tragic kingdom

it must have been a saturday afternoon in the fifth grade.  i was watching television (as per usual.  i was never much for outside activities) and all i remember is flipping to one of the music channels (probably mtv because mtv was cooler then and played music videos) and being struck dumb by what was happening in front of me:  plaid everywhere.  a fish-eye lens.  an asian wedding, and some girl with platinum hair jumping and thrusting with a rhinestone bindhi on her forehead and her own name emblazoned on her half-shirt in gothic style writing. everyone was wearing eyeliner.

i was speechless.

i just remember being mesmerized. i had no idea what was going on or who this woman was with her bangs and her red lips and maybe she was pretty? but she wasn't trying to be, and that was the puzzling part of it for me. this was the almost-late 90's. this was just about the time the Spice Girls and Aqua squirted all over our faces and only a few years before the Latin Explosion--"KEEP YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL AND WEAR PLEATHER IF YOU WANT TO BE LOVED" is what the tv kept screaming at me.  "GET A BELLYBUTTON RING!  OH, WAIT, YOU'RE NOT THIN ENOUGH.  TRY HARDER TO SUCK LESS."  yet here was a woman who chose to sneer in front of the camera rather than smile with her eyes.

this could mark a point in my life when i was paying attention to what i was consuming, and i won't say i was making a conscious choice to follow an arguably feminist icon, but i did learn the brand name Doc Marten's, and knew that i wanted a vinyl pair sparkling with gold glitter.

(side note:  my good friend Sabrina has a blog post all about her female icons through adolescence and today.  who are yours?)

when i bought the album (i'm sure my dad actually bought it for me), i had never heard of Anaheim, California, and i had no idea the significance of oranges to the state, but i just knew i wanted to have these people as friends. i spent, literally, hours in my room jumping onto and off of my bed, roundhouse kicking and working on both my one-handed push-ups (not so successful) and my vibrato (remember when you're young and you think your room is sound-proof?) that i'm surprised i still have the same copy. i loved everything--gwen stefani's look, her faces, the writing, the way all of them seemed to understand each other (that reads gay).

i was 12 and didn't even know what the word oppression really meant, and certainly hadn't felt it, not really (only read about it in books that i didn't care about because i didn't like to read and, really, there wasn't much diversity happening in my school system.  i felt oppressed by my mother because she refused to pack my lunch for me), but i could not WAIT to be in my mid-teens and REALLY understanding what was meant by all this:

my mother said, "she looks like madonna."

aw, ma! you don't get it, man!

Tragic Kingdom is the quintessential no doubt album, not just for females but for anyone who has had a broken heart (i.e. everyone). it succeeds because it does get very dark in some places and sometimes you don't want to admit that you were an idiot for planning your wedding in your head, and maybe you are just a stupid little girl.

the end of stefani's relationship relationship with no doubt bassist tony kanal is expounded upon and explored so deeply throughout Tragic Kingdom that at times it treads the line between cathartic and ridiculous, but most times makes a quick recovery, and when it doesn't, it is forgiven because "it's how i freakin' FEEL, Ma!" most break-ups are painfully awkward and full of lingering resentment and that is why not only the lyrics but the timbre and tone of gwen stefani's voice are so relatable (and why so many girls wrote down the words to "Don't Speak" and slipped them through slots in lockers across this great nation). but stefani is not saying "woe is me!" she's sad, yes, but she's also spitting venom and not apologizing for it.

just to take the edge off a bit, there are a couple of songs about, like, fixing the planet or being nice to one another or appreciating your surroundings or something. but, no worries, other wise it's "why," "fuck you," and "whatever, i don't care, but really i do." also, doing all this research has made me feel a little bad for kanal in all of this, just because video shoots might have been weird, and they had to tour and talk about this album for, of course, months, and awkward!

Return of Saturn(the follow-up, which i respected for the time they took to produce it) was a pretty good album, but a little too polished for my taste and i wasn't that heartbroken when it was scratched to beyond listenable. i bought Rock Steady for purely band loyalty reasons and barely listened to it--it seemed lazy: gwen was happy with gavin rossdale by then and not ripping her guts out over tony so who cares?

so here's to the great No Doubt! they said things i couldn't find the words for at the time, and helped me be angry when i thought that i shouldn't, and ultimately, helped me become at least 0.0001% more comfortable in my skin and with my psyche. and, let's face it, that confidence is damn near impossible to inspire in anyone, especially anyone in middle school.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

i'm almost as bad at introductions as i am at goodbyes.

the story is simple:  i have spent 24 years on this earth.  i thought i was going to be a poet and writer, but when i got out of the cesspool where i spent my less than formidable adolescence that all changed and i majored in film.  i thought, "well, yeah.  i mean, i like watching movies.  and i keep getting waitlisted for the poetry classes..."  the truth was if i declared my major, that would be saying i actually wanted to DO something and that i was going to TAKE PROPER ACTION to make sure that Something happened.  and at 19, i was just not prepared to do that.  and my friends were film majors.  and i like my friends.  i don't know how many of you know this, but sometimes it is hard to like people in a creative writing program.  there is a lot of competition, not to mention a lot of graduate students that are men that you have to endure, and i chose that word carefully.

so we're off to a refreshing and happy start with this little blog.

let's see.  i hate introductory posts.  i probably shouldn't do one, i should just start another post and let this stuff come out of me as i'm writing.  maybe the problem is in stating what i'm going to do.  but that was the problem when i was 19, too.  so maybe personal evolution can only move so fast.

i'll try to keep the rest of this brief.  i guess what i'm planning to do here is talk about things and all manner of things, really.  for as long as i can remember i have been a sponge for popular culture and entertainment trivia.  i'm not sure why.  i don't remember there being a specific point that i decided to open my brain (probably at the age of four, doing the the running man to Paula Abdul's seminal debut album Forever Your Girl on loop in the family room of my early childhood home.  did i mention it was on cassette?) to this facet of awareness.  nevertheless, it followed me through high school where no one cared and into college where it was a novelty, and i was That Girl Who Knew The Lyrics To Every Damn Song.  don't be fooled, it is a blessing as well as a curse.

i'm probably also going to talk about things that get on my nerves.  i work in a restaurant, so that alone provides endless fuel to the gripe fire.

for instance, as i am typing this, my iTunes will not.  stop.  playing.  elvis costello.  don't get me wrong, i like elvis costello, but i only have his greatest hits or something and really??

anyway, i don't know about you, but i wanna get onto anything other than this.  so i'll see you at the first real post, which should be coming soon.